ouijevis //

Hm.

Okay.

So, I've been thinking about me and this big chop thing, and i really want to do it. I really do, like if it means my hair can get healthy again, then i am totally super ready.
But i know a lot of people who wouldn't be ready to see it.
Not that I really care, it's just that...sometimes it discourages me to do what i really want and what is really right.

A classmate of mine has a blog (http://therustyrenaissance.blogspot.com/)
and i was reading a post about an event at school which dealt with motivational speakers.
I was supposed to go but, i was way to tired to get out of bed so early to go to school on a day where i don't have to go to school. (Friday, day after the last day of exams)

Anyway,
the post mentioned some things that could hold you back from doing things that you really wish to do. He actually mentioned five things.
Relationships, Fear, and he didn't mention the rest, he said he forgot.
Maybe he got lazy.

Anywho...
In the factor of relationships he noted that they cause a lot of stress, and you also cause yourself stress, and so on and so forth.
But im not really going to get into that, cause it has not much to do with my situation.

To me, relationships could somehow try and hold me back from my decisions. I mean, not a relationship with a boy, romantically or anything. Remember, i told you all, i do not really care about guys too much, love me or hate me...i don't owe you anything so go away.
However, my friends are relationships too.
I have relationships in my family, as a family relationship thing, right?

So, this could hold me back, cause i don't know what my friends would say....
I mean they are all finding it really hard to understand, hat I need to do this for me.
When i say really hard, i mean....seriously difficult.

Fear.
" Fear is what holds us back they say, but theres only two real fears out there in the world that humans live. when we are first born the only fear we have are loud noises and falling overTHATS IT thats instinct, and what comes natural to humans. ANY OTHER FEAR was brought to us through influence, those arent real fears. Now life carries many expectations very HARSH expectation, but all of them come from OTHERS "

" others bring us to the conclusion we have to be walk talk act have things a certain way whats good and whats bad. But really its what you want, WHAT YOU believe is great morally correct and rational, no how its
SUPOSE to be like. do WHAT YOU BELIEVE or it shall never be done."

So, I really didn't feel like trying to put it in my own words, horrible i know...but he's just so much better at this than I am.
I write like I talk.
He writes...
He writes like he talks too i guess, but he makes it long and elaborated and sensible.

Ok so anyways.
I have been influenced...
wait correction.
Us as black women, have been somewhat brainwashed, that perming our hair, straightening it, texturing it, hot combing it, and getting rid of those GOTDAM KINKS, is what is good, the way we should be accepted, the way people should see us.

Cause there's so much that is WRONG with nappy hair.
You have to straighten it.
You should.
Its "beautiful."

It is beautiful to be fake, and to say you are so real.
How could you possibly call yourself real, when you have unnatural white-people hair?

Your not real.

Your a clone of sorts.

Since we are so cooped up in this STUPID mentality that straight hair is the way to righteousness, people like me, who want to transition, find it hard to go through with it.

The long life of straight hair, has brought a false, unnatural fear that no one will accept us for our natural selves. And no, not natural like "Imma tell it to huher face, im real, like real world up in dis bitch!"

No.

No.

Three times no.

I mean, our natural selves, like how we were created.
I never understood, when i was child until now, how Christians were always saying "its a sin to use condoms, and a sin to alter anything god has created, blah blah blah..."
Then why do so many Christian black women relax their hair?

Hm.



We need to try our best to fall out of love, with the mainstream black beauties.
FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.
FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUR KINKS.
They love you.
They want to be loved back.

They want to feel special.
They want your attention.
They did nothing to harm you, yet you BURN them, and KILL them.
why?

So that you can make other people happy?
So that you can pretend, that doing this isn't really hurting you?

It is okay to put others before you, in certain situations.
But in this...

its not. So stop.


Emancipate the kinks.
Emancipate yourself.

<333
-sharz.

bought a camera today..


it sucks.
im returning it.

dont mind the mess, its not always like that.
& I KNOW I LOOK MESSED, BUT I WAS SUPER TIRED OK!!?
GEEZ.
I look horrid, and check the kinky twists, i look like a lion!!

yeah.


thanks dasia for helping me with my decision, if only you were there while i was purchasing it. -sigh-
This was a test, its really boring...dont watch it. haha
<33
-Sharz.

* Mood: crazy tired.
* Listening to: Let It Bleed by J*Davey
* Reading: n/a
* Eating: n/a
* Drinking: water


__________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________
ON MY MIND @ zee MOMENT (besides: i look like a lioness)
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


Okay...

Exams are done!
I survived, and did really good on most of them...so im pretty sure i haven't failed anything.im eager to see my history mark, i was going into that exam with a 42%..thanks to my EXTREME procrastination.

Gah.
I need to learn how to manage my time.

Anyway.
Guess what I did today....

I got Kinky Twists...but they cost me 138.88!!
I was like "Bloodclot!!", on top of that the twists were poorly done!
One fell out when i got to my dad's house...
And she put WAY too much hair in it....i look like a lion.
I like it when its up, but im still trying to rock it in a fresh way.

For now it'll stay up...

So pissed off, moreover i still havent paid the 38.88
i just paid the 100, so i have to stroll down there tomorrow and give them basically 40 dollars for a SHITTY job.
My dad said i look like a conscious dred. Lol.


Okay, i have a dillema, and i need to make a decision:

iPod or Camera?

See i loooove music, and ever since i lost my iPod i've been dead.
but i want a camera...
and i don't have a job anymore...
so i need to make a good conscious purchase.

So
Camera or iPod.

meh, i have until sunday to make a decision, if i dont..i'll end up spending my money on food and clothes.

i'll make a poll....haha.

Okay, i'm tired...i was in the salon from 11:00am to 5:45pm.
RIDONKULOUS!

<33
-Sharz.

Brief recap of my mid-day.

i leave school after exams..
i see my friend across the street and i wave at her..
this old man comes out of nowhere and says : "DONT WAVE YOUR FUCKING HAND IN MY FACE!!"
and he shoves me out of his way.

I 'm like "what the hell man!?!? Dont have to fricken' push me!!"

and he is calling me names like "whore", "nigger bitch", "motherfucking slut"
And im like..."uh...okay..whatever man...your crazy."
and i cross the street and i he's still yelling and following me, so i brush him off and wait for my friend to cross the street.

So now he's in my face and he's like "Oh what are you going to do, call your boyfriend on me..fucking bitch."
and im like "get the hell out of my fucking face..asshole"
and he's in my face. So i pretend like im going to hit him in the face with my keys, and he flinched then SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.

So im like "yo, what the fuck you ass!!"
and i pretend like im going to chase him, and he ran away..

so i am walking with my friend to the next subway station and he is following us yelling "YOU FUCKIN NIGGER WHORE!"

And im like..."oh my god...seriously?"

so i call the cops.

The cops ask for a description, location, and tell me to wait at 7-11.
they ask me "how far away is he?"
i say :"a few metres"

So my friend and i go to 7-11 and we're in there, and he comes into 7-11 and just watches me...
walks out...
looks at me through the window and pretends to shoot me.

So i call the cops again, cause im straight shitting my damn pants.

So the officer finally makes it and asks for a description again, then gets a walkie message telling her they found a suspect.

So she asks my friend and I to get in the cop car.

IT IS VERY TIGHT IN THERE.

So we get to the subway station and he's there being questioned by the cops.
The other two officers are there (i swear there were like five cop cars surrounding the area, like they were all not busy, and just wanted to see whats up)
and they come to my officer lady and tell her some shit.

So she comes to me and says : "turns out he has a mental problem, so uh...do you want to press charges?"
I say: "no...he's mentally unstable so...i won't do that..i was just really scared"
she understood.

Then me and my friend were on our way to our business, while they took him to the hospital.


Back to studying...2 MORE EXAMS TO GO!
Its been going great so far...

-sharz!
<33

visit: http://blogs.warwick.ac.uk/mwalker/daily/270405/ for a funny ass anatomy on heartbreak.