So a lot of shit has happened that i don't feel like talking about, but to sum it all up i've been procrastinating then cramming, losing sleep, trying to give up meat and failing then i fainted in the subway went to the Emergency room for like 8 hours or so and missed a test did the test today and now I am sitting in my room - which is actually pretty clean and organized right now, for once, and I am procrastinating on an essay I was set out to finish tonight.
Yes and that is all you missed.
The photo above is me showing you my hospital bracelet and iv wound.
I find myself thinking a lot lately, which is not good, cause thinking leads to a sort of mild insomnia in my opinion. I cannot sleep if I am to busy thinking about things. So.. yeah.
My hair's grown. Its in a twistout afro thing right now, and I think I look cute, though I still need hair lotion. I am currently just strictly using Shea Butter and my spritzer for everything. Co-washing with Finese its cheap and gets the job done. Shampooing once a week with Olive Oil shampoo.
Well, enough of that and on to some other shit.
To stop thinking about someone or something, it is said that you need to ... erase it from your enviroment and/or life. I have heard from others that the only way to get over something or someone is to totally erase it internally and externally. But no one ever tells me how to make it possible when you are almost forced to see it everyday. I've figured that I just need to ignore the subjects very exsistence. It has been working so far....
You know when you have a feeling that there is some sort of secret talking session that goes on and the topic is you at some points, amongst a group of individuals. I only get this feeling when I pass a certain group of people, as if they know something I don;t, or should know. Or they are studying how I carry on in life knowing that something is up... and knowing that I already know... its hard to explain. Sorry. I don't even know what is wrong with me. Sometimes I just need to say stuff.
My friend said to act happy and go-lucky as if nothing is wrong at all and everything is peachy. Just to show how well-off you are.
However everything isn't peachy at all.
In fact everything is annoying, frustrating and bothersome in this situation.
I'm trying my best and right now, I am just anticipating the day where I officially never have to see it again. You already know what I am talking about but... I'd rather refer to the subject as 'it'.
Moving on to another thing...
I was thinking about my sociology/psychology/anthropology class....
We learn that it is one of the important developments of self to find love and make intimate or "more than friend" relationships.
If you cannot find that you haven't successfully achieved that stage in self-development.
Then I thought to myself on my way to the library at second period today..
Have I found it?
No. Probably not, though there have been times where I thought I did - like for a minute (ore like a week, but I am trying to not make myself sound like a douche up here), but then got whiplashed into reality and was like - no.
Then I think about what some palm reading guy said to me once.. how I have 2 loves in my life... one will end quickly and the other will end long into the relationship.
He was right.
And now that both of them have ended Im stuck here thinking...
Is that fucking it?
I've been limited to two?
And somehow those two "loves" both effed up and now it's nothing?
Or will there be more, but he just could not see it?
I know I should not even be thinking about this, I should focus on the school work, and I do. Just on my free time such as now (sorta), I will think about this.
Can't my leisure time include me weeping away at my insecurities and doubts? I don't have too much of those you know, so I think I should give them a bit of attention seeing as I rarely focus on these things at all.
I don't know...
Theres just some stuff going on and I need to do a lot of figuring out of things...
I rather just let things fall into place though.
-sharz : )
PS. New readers get a hug.