(thoughts that are passing through my head)
I need to pee.
I need a cup of tea.
Hey, that rhymed!
So yesterday I went through my old posts and found the one with the messages me and "it" aka "island D" sent each other during the confrontation - that, when i think about it, never came to a good resolution.. then I took it even further and read through the old messages we sent each other while still in our relationship.
I don't know why..
I think I'm lost.... and for what reason?
Like this is all so silly, but I think the issue here is the lack of me letting it out.
WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING is to just talk about it.
I blog about it, but it isn't the same.
I hate keeping things bottled up, and thats what Im doing.
just to get it all off, i mean.. its all just in there, cause new things get to me.
and i notice small things.
I don't want to talk to anyone specifically, just someone who won't judge me.
Or say certain things but mean certain other things.
Why haven't I burned those photos of me and it yet?
I think I want to do it on new years.
I want to delete the messages on that day too.
I talked to hi- i mean 'it' the other day, I bet he(i meant 'it') thought I would stop him(fuck, I meant 'it' again) in the hallway to talk about something else.. but I asked him(urrgg 'it' ) to help my friend with her chemistry cause I don't get it.
He(It) passed me by in the hallway as I was at my locker and was all:
"sharifa" (i gave it an ugly colour.. lmao)
and i was at my locker and i said "hey.."
then he('it') was about to open the door to get into the library and I was like:
"hey, hey, hey.. wait!"
then he(it) turned around...
at that moment I could have chose so many topics to talk about maybe even gotten those answers to the questions why, what happened, how etc...
but instead I chose my friend over my curiosity and confusion and was like..
"anna's in there asking me about molecular mass and stuff. and uhh, i dont really know so I was wondering if you could help her..." I sort of smiled a bit, at me not knowing...
then it sort of released a bit of a laugh-ish thing and was like
"alright, i'll help her" or some shit like that.
would I change that moment?
I don't know...
I wish I saw it's face better, my glasses were off.
just to see the reaction on its face - cause thats the first time I actually called after him('it'!!) since the departure.
His reaction seemed not too excited though..
I think it was a big step for me...
being able to do that without a tint of hatred in my tone...
even though he tried the condom on my locker thing the week prior, and I know it was im or one of his friends, but.... I chose to be gentle and nice.
I asked my grandma if I could get a therapist, she said yes.
Now to find one...