Goals and stuff12/24/2012 02:54:00 PM
I am back at the granny's crib.
Nothing much have changed here. She's still a pain in my ass.
However that is beside the point. The point is... I am going to be here in order to start some weight gain.
I have lost a lot of weight the last few months. So I'm trying to gain it back. The only way I can do that, it seems - is to be back where there is LOADS of home cooked Jamaican food.
Some people think I'm lucky to have lost all my thickness. However, I loved the way I poked and maintained my body so that I can continue to love myself. I had confidence and I had my own attitude along with my curves that fit me very well. Yeah, sometimes I had wished my breasts were larger. However I regret all that now. I swear when I get my weight back.. I will never wish against my body again.
Ever ever ever ever again.
A lot of my confidence has gone down since my weight loss.
I feel unattractive. I feel lazy. I sometimes don't even want to go to the gym. I don't really feel like dancing as much. I don't feel as happy as I used to. I sometimes subconsciously compare myself to my old body or even other bodies - which I never ever used to do. I couldn't have cared less about comparing myself to other bodies when I was thicker.
I had no worries. Even if an ass was bigger than mine, I knew
That my ass was good enough for me. I was happy and I loved myself and it showed.
Now I'm embarrassed to even be naked sometimes.
So I decided I can't just "wait and see" anymore. I need to actively make a change in my life towards getting thick again. So I'm back at my grandma's for a week to see if I get some weight gain. I'm hoping it works and trying to just stay positive - which is only a little difficult when I'm on my period... And dying of cramps. Just a bit.
But I want this very badly. I feel like I need this.
I will keep trying until I get there.
I'm just trying to see myself and love myself again. Cause it starts with me. I need to really love me for me to spread that love vibe all over my life.
I'm not depressed or anything really. I'm still happy enough to be in love and laugh and enjoy things. However, I can't help but have it at the back of my mind, you know?
I'm going in on this food eating shit!
Have a Happy Holiday people!
PCE, LVE & FRESHFOOD!