ouijevis //

Okay,

so writers block is over.

I think I just needed something to really push me in order to write anything worth writing about. Fuck grammar by the way - I am tired and I am lazy ...thus I just don't really give a damn.

--

So what did it today? Was it the weather? No. The weather was quite alright, I stayed home but it looked like a nice day - and the temperature seems to be getting better as we get farther into spring. Did I meet a weird person again ? No, not today ...but I should make note of that for next time, because I have been encountering some odd shit lately. Actually, you know what? Let me get into that right now.

What is it...with these fucking sorry ass  men, of all shapes and sizes and age groups...trying ..to .."holla" though?

I swear, I just don't understand for the life of me.
ESPECIALLY OLD GUYS. I don't know if they are dealing with something mentally, but I think they need to bring a mirror with them on the street. So that they can look at their reflection before talking to me. I always get some old ass guy saying "Hey, Hey sweetie. Hey." - I will hold off on the argument that I am not his sweetie and that is not how to approach someone and all that jazz, because what I WANT to get in on FIRST is: What makes you think, a young 20 year old woman like myself...will look at you? Why are you so confident for? Its ridiculous...its not even like he can rationalize the shit and say "I am a billionaire and I got so much money she can't resist!" ...its just..I  can't even find the words right now.

I just don't understand.
I get it - pussy is pussy and if they can get it they will try.
However, can people just be realistic with themselves for a quick moment?
You are like...60.
Come on bruhv. Come the hell on.

-EXHALE-

Alright, so...
I am walking and I am on the phone ...first of all - how rude is it that you are trying to get my attention when I am on the phone. Its so rude - like fuck you man, you are not helping me pay any bills or donating to this phone and my contract so don't even try to interrupt me.
So I am walking, right. I am walking and I am on the phone and minding my own business, not looking at anyone and this old man is walking in my direction. I barley notice him, however I hear someone saying "Hi. Hi sweetie. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi" - I am being dead serious right now. I glanced at him at like the 3rd Hi and kept walking. I had headphones in, so - I wasn't even sure what he wanted. Quite frankly I had thought he needed directions. We were in a pathway area where people take walks and bike and such, so maybe this old man was lost!? So I let him walk off and thought, well - if he really needs help he will come back and get my attention.

You see that?

See how I saw that old man, and automatically thought he was a lost poor old man?
Old black man, may have needed help out of the park...is what I thought.
You see how that works?
ANY SEXUAL OR ROMANTIC SHIT IS JUST TOTALLY OUT OF MY MIND in regards to the elderly. Even if you looked like Teddy Pendergrass, it just isn't going to happen. Besides that, you'd have to look like a young Teddy or some shit...I am totally joking.

Okay, so .. that is out of my system.

Now on to why I had come across the oddest article in my life.
I have been looking for work opportunities as I have mentioned times before, so I have been looking for anything. In that "looking for anything" there are ads up for writing. I decided to check some out. I thought I would be good for the job, and decided to get familiar with the site. I came across some of their categories and they had some "Life Hacks". I thought to myself, maybe I would like to write for these people. In the list of articles under the "Life Hacks", there was an article about being Passive Aggressive and How to Do it Successfully. So, wait - I am guessing that, they are promoting something,  that in many cases (if not all) are seen as a fault? I skimmed the article. I didn't bother to read. At the end of the article, the writer seemed quite proud of himself.

I don't know if I can get in shit for taking his article and dissecting it right on here, so I won't.
However.. I will say...

Doing shit like:
Holding the elevator for a long period of time in order to look polite.
Picking up something somebody dropped, and continuously dropping it so that they have to pick it up for YOU.
And "round-about douche-baggery is...not..okay..

I admit, I am passive aggressive. I am not proud of it, and I am working on it. I am not as bad as this guy, for sure.
I don't hold the elevator if I feel like someone is sketchy or weird. In fact I press that DOOR CLOSE button 20 times.

I help people too much to actively drop the things they dropped so that they have to pick it up themselves. Do you know how much work that is? To even bother with it is ridiculous..You can either say "Hey, you dropped something" and add the bonus of picking it up or not.


Even if this article was a joke, is it not better to talk about how to be a better person? How to be a forward and non-sketchy ass dick? Excuse my language... not really...but you know, I am having trouble filtering myself today.

Everyone is such a piss off sometimes.

Instead of apologizing for taking my stuff, because I have been so nice to you to NOT say anything - you think giving me something to replace it is better? No. Its either you just stay proud that you didn't talk about it, and didn't apologize or you do. Cause really, that just makes it look like you don't give a shit. You just think you can romp around in my things and hand me a quarter later.

No.

That isn't how it works man.

How about...
instead of pretending to want to hold a door to look polite - just be you. You either want to be a good person or you don't.  I am not going to hold a door for 10 minutes to look like a good person, if I am late for class and got to go...I am holding the door for whoever is behind me and going about my day. Besides that, people don't even say thank you out here. One time I just dropped the door on a fool, for not saying thank you. He thought I was going to hold the next door but...no. I am not a door lady. Even if I was - you'd have to say thank you.

Okay I am rambling.

I don't understand people who change for people. As in - people who become something they are not- and will never ever be.

Do you boo boo.
If you're not genuinely doing something - don't do it.
It will be half-ass.
People will notice.
Generally, when people notice they get upset or irritated.
You'll get fired from a job. You will get shit friends. People will treat you like shit, since they don't usually respect people who half-ass life.


If you really have to (like getting coffee for your boss) - try to find the beauty in it (It's an internship... you'll get an upgrade..) . However, if you really can't do it and it disturbs your inner being. Don't.

I won't.


Anyway, I am cool now.

Goodnight. Have a good tomorrow.

Sometimes guys can be dumb. That goes without saying... but I want to tell you about my experience today (for the ump-teenth time)...

So it took me like 2 days (approximately) to take out the braid extensions! Ughh. When I was done I looked at myself and was a little worried about things because I was used to the braids and how much everyone liked it. But as you know I want to try out those Aveda products and let my hair have some spotlight for a while... so I was just going to deal with it.

Usually, even after I went natural, I had really high self-esteem and confidence in myself. I knew I wasn't the BEST LOOKING GIRL IN THE UNIVERSE, but I was alright with me and I knew I had things a lot of girls would love to have and I took pride in it. But I was also humble about it too. So you know.... I never had a constant need to re-assure myself that I was pretty. Unless I went out with friends, but even then I realized it was because I didn't stress slutty enough to get noticed. Haha.... uhh yeah.

So anyways.
I'm with my boyfriend and he calls me cute and the dreaded "hot" and "sexy" all the time... so I went ahead and asked if he'd still think so if we weren't together and he didn't know me as a person already. Now before I progress any further I WILL say that one of the things I love the most about my boyfriend is his honesty. However, the truth DOES hurt ... so I was just saddened by the truth...

So as you can imagine he said:

JV: No, I would think you were cute. But if you had your hair straightened I would wanna fuck you.

Moi: Hmm. Ok. So that's like me and your Abs..... ... Or lack thereof.

(heheheeeeeee take that bitch. )

---

But yeah he started talking about how he thinks girls with straight hair are "fcuking hot" and shit about :

JV: You don't date the hot girl, you date the cute girl.. cause they're the real girlfriend material"

So yeah... I got pissed off for sure. Cause as much as I love him, I want to ask these questions to make sure I have someone who doesn't need to focus on how "great" I look cause of my hair. I mean, he always says he doesn't care.. but then he talks about some girl's straight hair or some shit...and how "Guys always think straight hair is hot" .. which isn't always true, but whatever.
I don't know. Its just a self-esteem decliner for me. I am peeking on the best times of a persons life... and I am in a serious relationship while all my friends are single... so I want to make sure I am not wasting my time. I don't want to come home one day from NOT PARTYING ( like I couldn't have been doing today! My friends at the moment are at some sick Condo Rooftop Party.. -sigh- ) to find out he has cheated on me with some straight-haired broad because she had long flowing hair that he could sweep around and tug or whatever the fuck guys wanna do with that shit. Fuck man.

UGH!\\JNSFBCNSKIFSJKFKJSBLKVBLSHBVKSHBBVGUWIFHSIHJBCFKJSNWBFI923PUY
2PIRHUDWANCFJSVK\

Fuck man.

I don't know, I guess I am just going through some issues. This is how I am without a job and money I guess. Hhaha.T__T

I dunno. I'm really pissed. I know he loves me regardless, but its just about... my life and how I am wasting my time here on earth. I cried soon afterwards... cause I thuoght of how other guys I were with treated my natural hair as a beautiful thing and never talked about my hair straight or anything. They just really want to see it grow. Haha, like they would really ask me to let it grow. Sometimes I think its cause they're black so they know more about what goes on than a white guy. My ex was happy I stopped perming my hair and altering it. My other guy friend had cornrows so we both related with hair and talked about hair together.

Its not like NATURAL HAIR IS MY LIFE. It's just that...if there is something / someone better for me out there I rather meet them and be on an everlasting conquest than stay with someone who can't fully think even with my fro that I am sexy.

Rant over.

You choose the course to take...

I expect to be respected when I give respect onto a certain individual. Especially if me and that individual are in some sort of relationship. I do not even understand why I am still on this shit. I am still with my ex who was before my ex who is not my ex anymore and he just pissed me off with something.

Naturally, when we first started dating, I was better off than him in the grades and education department... he used to tell me about his failings and I would try my best to encourage him to keep up the work and focus on what is most important. I never laughed at him, I never demeaned his learning abilities, I never talked shit, I never told him he was a failure.

So now his grades are doing really good, and his average is actually better than mine, due to my horrid work habits and attendance. He knows this. And today I vented on how I got back my assignment and got a 78% on it, how I went from 90s to 80s to high 70s and I was stressed about it...

His reaction you ask?
Caring?
Loving?
Encouraging?
Reassuring?
NO.

He replied with a "hahaa you suck."

Yes ladies and gents, those exact words.

So I snapped on him, and said how I NEVER did that to him when he was slipping in school, so I didn't believe I deserved that sort of treatment, and I did not appreciate it and I would like certain things in this relationship to be reciprocated. The phone call ended with tension, since we hung up from each other shortly after.

My friend often asks me why I always go back to him, and obviously there are things there that I enjoy, however he does certain things that make me just want to kill him, and never speak to him again. Like today. I already felt like shit, and he just rubbed it in and stomped on me with a steel toe boot.

Im just so angry. The blog was the only thing I could turn to.

I just finished having a pep-talk with my grand-aunt.

"Ghetto Goon" image copyright Anton Emdin. www.antonemdin.com

I AM VERY SORRY FOR MY RUDE-NESS IN ADVANCE.
I DONT WANT TO OFFEND ANYONE WITH MY BEHAVIOR, I AM JUST REALLY PISSED.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


FCKN PISSED!!

Oh my gosh.
I've been pissed about this shit for a long time, but this dude REALLY TRIGGERED IT.

IF ONE MORE FUCKER WANTS TO CALL ME "WHITEBREAD" or anything of that matter he can kiss my ass.
What is damn hilarious to me is that most of the time it's the "whitebreads" who know way more about our own culture than the "blacker"black people. FUCKERS acting as if they are "blacker" than me cause they can Rap, Dance, or do some other shit. They dont even know a shit about nothing, they'd probably go to Africa and get all scared and shit. They probably wouldn't even bother researching a damned thing about anything past related to african culture. Im not talking about African-American slave business either, cause everyone knows enough about that, at least I do. Trust me, growing up, it was a daily dinner discussion or something, I've watched enough documentaries, and been to enough confrence type things, and I've seen enough. Enough to pass it on to my children. I'm comfortable with my knowledge, and I would like to focus on now, as bad as it may sound to some people..... if you lived my life you'd get a bit tired of the same thing too.

But as I was saying...

I'm talking about our actual past, before all that whiteman commin to get us shit.
I'm talking about things that have been hidden and shit.
How about knowing some of that shit.
We weren't dumbass people when they came and took us on some boats, no. We actually had a culture going for us, languages and shit. IM PISSED OFF THAT I DONT HAVE A LANGUAGE. Thats part of the reason why I envy africans, cause they have a language.
Jamaican's dont have that.
As much as some want to say "patwa" is a language of ours, it isn't. Patwa is like french.
We speak broken english.

So this Youtube dude, and I know I shouldnt be getting upset over a Youtube dude, but it did upset me.... said this:

ok then get a job whitebread canadian jamaican. do you mean canadian jamacian like 'Snow' aka Informer?

And it bug me.
Cause if you are Carribean anywhere, you know that it is like FORBIDDEN for anyone who is living n FORIEGN to talk like a Jamaican, Grenaidian etc,..
In all the carribean friends i have, thier families FORBID us to live in Canada, or America and talk broken-english or "patwa" or whatever. I WOULD GET BEAT if I started talking like that. It is not good. My grandmother would say...

"Me bring me pickney to foriegn(canada) to become somting, nah fee gwan wid de same ol bullshit me left jamaica wid."

Which mean, you come to foriegn, and you do as the foriegns(canaidians) do.
I dont feel like getting too much into this, but you get it.
You can't just be acting all "badmon" and shit and expect to go places. thats not how it works, and I wasn't raised to act like a fucking "LEGGOBEAST", "RUDEGYAL" or anyhing liek that.
If you are carribean and you were raised properly you were raised to respect people, act smart and stay focused. And beat up any bitch who is antagonizing you.

END OF STORY.
it isnt "whitebread" or nothing like that, it's I was raised sensibly.

And anyone, and I mean ANYFUCKING ONE...
Who comes trying to tell me i'm "not black" can kiss my FUCKIN BLACK ASS, cause they dont even know the first thing it is to be black, some of them anyway.
ESPECIALLY IF THEY'RE NOT EVEN BLACK AT ALL.

its like "you dont even know what it's LIKE to be black, so what the fuck are YOUUUU talking about? You fuckin idiot."

like seriously.

I don't know if any of this made sense, but I was just trying to get soem shit off my chest.

S'later!
PCE, LVE, & FRESH AIR

You know what sucks?

when you like something that is just SO mega awesome and after a week or two of loving it to death and being like "OH EM GIZZ, This is the CATS muhhfookin' PYJAMAS!", it turns out someone else has the advantage of actually getting that really awesome thing. You can't get it cause, just cause you like the thing, doesn't mean you can get the thing, since that thing is only open for CEDRTAIN people to get thier hands on. You know?

Screw it.

As you may or may not have noticed, this has nothing about what you think it's about. You may just have to think outside of the Obvious Box to get what I'm saying today.

Crap.

I hate when stuff like this happends, when I want something but can't get it. I mean, I could get it, it's not like the thing is entitled to SOMEONE ELSE or something, it's just.... if i go get this thing, it would just kind of be not right, knowing that the thing is better off with the other person. When actually the thing isn't, but that's not the point. Screw this ish. To the point where you don't even want to be around the DAMN thing. You don't even want to see the othe rperson around the thing anyway, cause you KNOW how much easier it is for them to get the thing than for YOU to get the thing. Oh my gosh. Sometimes I just wish I was one of those people who were into themselves, so much to the point where... nothing even matters, things don't matter and unwritten rules were not read to me.

Yeah.

It's one of those UNWRITTEN RULES.
Screw it.

Well, I'm not going to screw the unwritten rule or anything...I'm just going to screw the idea of possibly breaking the unwritten rule, without actually breaking it. I could easily do it, however I would feel like SUCH SHIT if I did. So screw that.

Screw me for being such a nice, caring, respectful person.

HORRID THINGS HAPPEN TO GREAT PEOPLE....like myself.

Ugh.

Fuck this. And screw unwritten rules.

-Sharz