. one-hundred and thirty-two
7/28/2009 11:58:00 AMI just finished having a pep-talk with my grand-aunt.
and she revealed to me that she sees a psychiatrist whenever she has things to let out, because she doesn't like to talk to people about her problems. I don't either, I kind of dont like blogging about it, because
1) thats a lot of writing
2) i like feedback at times.
I had so many things I wanted to do growing up, and people would always tell me "oh thats too hard", "you wont be able to do that" , "you think you'll succeed in that field?" to the point that I dont even know what I want anymore. And time is definitely running out. I need a plan, before September starts, but I don't want anyone to discourage me, cause I am easily discouraged, no lies about that. I easily feel like Other people may know me, more than I know myself, and then I just listen to them. My grandmother always compares me to my cousin LaToya, saying how she's doing so much better than me in school, and even my grand-aunt just told me that LaToya is graduating and becoming a lawyer as of 2010, and she's going to go work with my uncle in his lawyer business....
I'm happy for her, though me and her never got along....
She was taller than me, prettier than me (at least i thought so), and even though she was older than me, it was like it was a frequent battle between us for NO REASON, and she started it. So it just made me feel extra worse about things, that she always got good grades, and my grades would be great ad then they would slip.
On top of that.
Everyone wants me to do better than my mother, which some of you know is under Severe Depression right now, and has been since my father broke up with her when I was like 1 years old, maybe even before that! I love my mom, and it makes ME depressed knowing that I can't even have a CONVERSATION with my own mother. And my father expects me to see his mom all the time, and see my step-mother all the time, and not even give my mom some time....I always thought it wasn't fair that everyone has their mother and I don't. But I would always try and make everyone else happy, I try my best to do that every single time. To the point where I have just totally forgot about MYSELF.
I don't even think about ME anymore, cause I so worried about everyone else.
And now...
EVERYONE else is happy, doing their own thing, living their own lives.... not even caring about me, I'm a little not so attractive smelling side-dish beside their BIG MEAL, and they don't see me, hear me, or even care if they jeopardize my life or not. I don't even care if it sounds selfish, cause I have done all I can do to assure everyone else is happy. I try to make all my friends feel as important as they can to me, because they are. Now I'm figuring out all of them have secrets behind my back, some of them don't tell me things, if not some ALL of them, and I don't even know if I can trust them or not, cause I don't know if some of them will put things before me, like boys, or something. It's like, all the effort I made into each of my friendships have all just gone completely to waste. I can only rely on like two or three people (not even that many honestly!!) to never really let me down, and if they do let me down they aren't afraid to tell me "Hey, i know you won't like what I'm about to confess but...." and at least they took it in that they disappointed me, but told me anyway! Or they will make me feel as important to them, as I have made them feel important to me.
You know what I mean?
AND IT'S THE PEOPLE WHO WOULD BE LEAST LIKELY TO BE MY FRIEND most of the time!
There's this girl I used to hate all throughout high-school, and as soon as I finally confronted her about it me and her are sort of really close now. I don't know if I'd go on a one-one shopping spree with her or something, but I know that we are definitely better friends. This other dude, who is so fucking weird and everyone at school thinks he's a druggy and shit. But all he does is drink and some weed, and he's really funny and actually a pretty good friend. Everyone automatically thought we were dating or had crushes on each other but he was actually trying to get me and his friend together and we were just laughing a lot because we have the same type of humor. And another guy who I've had classes with a lot since grade 9, him and I talk a lot and share jokes, and so do me and his other friend. We'd always talk in Math or Religion or SOME class we had together, and people thought it was weird cause he isn't very nice to everyone (one of those good-looking guys who know they look good and actually wont give certain other girls the time of day, or he'd pick on people and intimidate people with his rude-ness) but he was nice to me, and deep down it's funny but I don't think about that too much.
Those are the people who haven't discouraged me yet and eve got angry with me when I was lacking in my school work, always pushing me to do better and always asking me for help....haha.
All I know is that it may be time to shut off some friendships and focus on other things, or at least stop focusing on everyone else and focus on me. I don't focus on those three people I just mentioned, but we're still good friends and talk whenever. I feel appreciated and i let them know they're appreciated whenever it comes up.
When I get my new cell phone, I'm not really going to give out my number to everyone, some people won't even know i HAVE a new cell phone. I'm not going to ask the girl who lost my phone for ANYTHING, not even the SIM card or anything, I'm just going to do it all myself, The Creator will recognize it, and maybe give me better Karma. I'm not even going to ask hr for my calculator (cause she lost my calculator that i let her borrow too)
My grandmother's watching Degrassi, wow, they need to change the opening song for this show... it's so fricken lame. Haha.. sorry off topic.
I think I'm pretty done with my rant right now though, I just had to get it off my chest.
S'later!
PCE, LVE, & FRSH AIR!
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