. one-hundred and six (FCK WEDGIES!)

6/07/2009 12:47:00 AM



So I haven't wrote in some time now, cause i've been too lazy to actually start typing and shit. But today I'm on here and I'm bored and not quite ready for bed. I was set out on partying tonight, and ended up not partying....so I'm on party time in my mind. A couple of things to discuss today, so let me list them out so i don't forget (cause that is what usually happens, and that is why some of my posts are completely pointless):

  1. My Hair
  2. My Life's ish. (friends and how I feel out of place almost all the time)
  3. Job Search
So yeah,
my hair!!

I tried out the signature hairstyle that I saw while on Sei'Lani's blog... cause I was on it, and her hair is just about as long as mine, which is wicked cause every natural hair blog I hit up, the person's hair is longer or shorter... so its goof to have someone on the same pace and level as me for once. So i did it, and thought I looked like a poodle, however everyone thought it was EXTRA cute, so... I guess it went well. PHOTOS:

So yeah, there that is.
I've been frequently twisting out my hair, I never leave it as it, afroie. I like the twist-out style a lot, and that is all I ever wear. My grandmother went on a limb and bought me some hair products, too bad they were Olive Oil products, which suck on my hair.. However, i can't waste money, so i'll use it... though I was already trying to get rid of the olive oil products I already HAD!!


I wish she had bought some CASTOR oil or something!

But yeah...

My Life & How I Feel Out Of Place With Some Friends...

So today I was with Heartless, Rosa, and Ayssa.
I didn't feel too out of place with them, but I did feel a bit distance, then again I always do. And I think it is about time I get to this, cause I've never taken the time to blog about this, but I will today. I always feel as if, I'm missing information that everyone else knows when I'm with them. Dont get me wrong, I don't hate them  or anything and you know whatever. Heartless has been my friend for a very long time (since gr.8) but I dunno, I always feel out of place. I never feel as if I have a BEST FRIEND. And even if I did, its with the people I barely talk to anymore. 

Which is sad to me.

I'm best friends with people...
But no one is best friends with me...?

It's odd.

So I decided to talk to Heartless about it, though we barely did, but I didn't focus on it, I'm not the type to linger on things. But yeah, she never hears much about me and Andell (my ex-bf who is now my "friend" though we;re more like friends with benefits.... when you think about it right now... cause friends don't do the things we did last weekend...) and so I told her. Basically I don't tell her, cause I don't feel like she would get it. Though she says she's done a lot, she never tells me. Sometimes i feel like everyone knows BUT me...

Its sad, out of all honestly. 

She said its cause "I'm so proper and decent" or something like that, and that why she's afraid I'll judge her. A lot of people DO say that, but some of them still tell me. I have done some things and I don't tell anyone. I've only told two people. Laila and Claudine, and that's mostly because they have told me their experiences and even though they were scared to tell me, they told me anyway. I NEVER ASK THEM EITHER!
So I end up telling them everything. I've told Claudine EVERYTHING, I know none of you know who I'm talking about..but you get what I'm saying.

So yeah, I never feel out of place with them, and that's why I feel close with them out of all the people I know. I find that my way of life sometimes distances me away from people. I mean, I get what they're all saying. They're all usually afraid I'm going to think they are "easy" or "sluts" or "low" or something along those lines, however...
I really wouldn't think anything like that about my friends. I wouldn't tell people either.

I've experienced a lot of things in my lifetime, as short as it has been...

All in all, I hate feeling left out of things, cause then I don't want to be around. I've seen myself really parting away from people a lot lately... I feel as if I'm trying too hard to rekindle my friendship with people, and no one else is trying with me.  Like today... I felt as if, my presence wasnt too important, since I barely knew what anyone was talking about... I'm probably wrong about that, but that's just how I feel right now... Not that I don't want to rekindle. I WANT TO... but i just don't feel in the mix.


Sometimes I miss my younger life, cause I had best friends, that I didn't feel as if I was working hard for, cause I knew everything about them already, and there were no secrets. Now there are almost every friend of mine with a load of secrets they haven't told me.

I dunno.

Maybe i'm just being a cry-baby.

Sometimes I just want to move somewhere far away, and start all over. A new name, a new life, and new friends, if I make any.

Then this brings me to Andell. I only feel important around him.
I only feel like I may be in the right place when I'm around him.... however, that feelings is slightly leaving, and now there is no one. No one at all. Its like I'm alone.  I just don't fit in with anyone, i feel. I feel like I fit in with Heartless and them sometimes, when things aren't weird and awkwardly silenced. Or when they don't go off and talk somewhere else away from me, and I am all alone, or just excluded from the conversations. I don't say anything about it... cause I'm not like that. 

And this may sound extremely Emo, however, its true. I often feel alone. I took a quiz:

You hide your emotion sometimes .You are a moon type of person. You tend to be the quiet type or in contrast, you are happy but sometimes you act it out in order for you to no burden your friends with your problems. You've faced some problems in your life. Your heart has dealt blows before. You tend to think about things alot more than other people. And you may get annoyed with people who act out without thinking about what would happen later.You are also the type of person that others often come to you with their problems because you've been through plenty, and you are very understanding. Though you sometimes feel lonely. Your demeanor is usually chill, and relaxed.You usually are logical, and rely alot on facts and information on decisions. You often keep things to yourself. This is just one side of you, and you have different faces in different situations and environments, just like the moon has phases.

which is SOOO TRUE!!
Thats who I've been for a really long time.

But whatever... 

I don't know, I guess i just want to move far away... and be somewhere else. Thats part of why I continued blogging. As a way to escape for a while and just DO MY OWN THING without the scrutiny and the looks. I don't even care if I have friends who can see my blog either.

Then it brings me back to this blog post I cam across back in November 08, and dude is like "Life is Like A movie" and this is the best shit in the world cause it makes so much sense, and it really helped me out. I read it whenever I feel that I should. Whenever I feel like I'm losing touch with a certain person. 

So yeah.


I haven't gotten call backs, however I am volunteering at NXNE for sure, I have the schedule and everything!

So yeah, I'm getting slightly tired of typing now... so I'm out.
(this is the first time i've taken a bit of time to read over and edit )


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