. seventy (Totally True & I Love This Song & Shit...)

4/19/2009 11:30:00 PM

I agree with it ALL!
And I listen to this song on most mornings.

Sunni Patterson is probably another one of my influences....in life.


So you know when you have something to say, but you don't want to say it cause it is just so fucking NOT RIGHT to say. Ah!, and I hate when they guess and they give you that "I tel you everything!!" shit. Oh my gosh. Then you tel them, but you keep some shit away cause you don't want to let it all out. I did that an hour ago on the phone with my best friend. The term used around a lot would be what? "Bessie"? Haha. Well yeah, about that unwritten rule thing. It has nothing to do with her, but if I were to tell her...it would start MAD confusion cause...its a mutual friends thing. You know. Then shit would get awkward and OH MY GOSH. I wish I never even brought the shit up. I need help.

I actually went through the process of leaving a message via email at two Mental Health clinics. Yeah. I am that serious. There are just some things that blogging can't help me with you know? Sometimes you want some one to fucking psycho-analyze your thoughts and actions. I WISH SOMEONE WOULD TELL ME HOW TO DEAL WITH MY SHIT.


Sometimes I want answers.


I wish that relationship I had with MR. Perfection wasn't so great, now I miss being with someone. I miss having something to look forward to. Thats sad as fuck though isn't it?

It looks like I'm needy doesn't it?



I hate when I meet someone who just blows my fucking mind and then there is a border between me and that person because of my conscience. I mean, I wish I hadn't had a whole hour and like fifteen minutes of isolation what that person to get to know them and see how attracting the person is. So bottom line is, I lied to my Bessie in order to change the fucking subject, I said I wrote the post days ago when I wrote it last night, I said it was about some dude at school when the dude doesn't even go to school with me.

I feel shitty for it.

I think i should shut the fuck up.

I miss having someone to spend time with I guess. I miss being able to chill with that "special" person, as they light up my day from morning to afternoon and then on the phone at night. When he said " I heard you urging me to call" when in reality i didn't even think he would call. I was going through my head that i didn't even care whether or not he called. But the fact that he called that night, and the fact that the conversation went so well...made me want him to call more often. No one knows about all that, they all think it was nothing to get worked up about. But I was for real.


Then we got mr. read-me-like-a-book. Who read me like a book. Knew I had so much shit fucking me up that I couldn't accept him for the great guy he was. That I kept questioning his shit. However I thought he was faithful, I was the one that was fucking the shit up.
But in reality, he was unfaithful too, as hard as it is to believe. Fuck. I think I loved him too. Or lusted him, i don't even know anymore.

I think I am just letting everything out.

What I know, is that I do not know...

I don't know what will happen for me and my 'love' life next, but i know that the next one would have to be my friend first. I found that...being at least good friends with the person first usually makes things great. But not too good of friends to be awkward.


I try to shake that shit.
The shit I was talking about yesterday..
But shaking is only making it harder becuase it stirs up thoughts of what it would be like...

What if?

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